Polarities and the Paradoxical Theory of Change: A Powerful Duet
Eric (not his real name) engaged me as a coach because he was struggling with self-doubt, fueled by self-criticism. In his 40s, he was watching work colleagues with less experience expressing themselves with confidence, while he felt self-conscious when sharing his ideas or kept mute. He felt he “didn’t deserve a seat at the table.”
In one of our first sessions, he shared an experience from the prior weekend, when a group of friends and their partners gathered at his home. He described one guest as “boastful and annoying,” but respected the man’s ability to state his opinions boldly.
From my perspective, Eric was not typical of my clients in terms of industry or gender. Most of my clients are women physicians struggling with job burnout. But I trusted that my training as a Gestalt coach at GISC gave me the skills and competence to coach clients outside my usual niche effectively.
As Eric spoke, what emerged for me was an awareness of polarities, and I began asking him questions with this Gestalt approach in mind. First, I asked him to define the two poles. He chose the term “self-aggrandizing” for one and “self-critical” for the other. Then, I asked him to list off a few:
- negative aspects of being self-critical
- positive aspects of being self-aggrandizing
- negative aspects of being self-aggrandizing
- positive aspects of being self-critical
I chose to ask about the pluses and minuses in this order, ending with the positives about what he was currently doing.

When Eric shared a positive aspect of being self-critical, like humility or a desire to keep improving, he quickly followed it with “Yes, but it holds me back.” He pointed to feeling frustrated with himself about the self-criticism and its twin, self-doubt.
Working with the Paradoxical Theory of Change, I encouraged him to pause and asked how being self-critical might be working for him. He reflected, and after a moment, said, “Being self-critical has helped me to be reflective about my work and to be humble. I’ve had a great relationship with my boss for eight years. If I’d been self-aggrandizing and boastful, I don’t think that would be the case.”
At that point, his physicality changed, and he looked more energized, and at the same time, more peaceful. I shared with him that his body language and facial expression appeared to have shifted. When I asked what he made of that observation, he told me, “I feel lighter, like a weight has lifted.”
At the end of the session, I asked what he was taking away from our conversation. He pointed to feeling aware for the first time of the positive sides of self-doubt. He said he felt relieved. In the sessions since then, he has gained awareness of his personal values and priorities and has begun to clarify what he wants next in his life.
Polarities and the Paradoxical Theory of Change are powerful approaches because they engage our clients in accepting, owning, and appreciating aspects of themselves that they have spent energy trying to push away. When they embrace that part of themselves, it frees up that energy, making it available to engage in the desired change.
Peter Bluckert states in Gestalt Coaching: Distinctive Features, “The Gestalt theory of change…is based on the assumption that we must first become our truth before we can move from it, and the very act of fully exploring and embracing that truth leads to spontaneous self-organisation…[T]he skills and methods used by Gestalt practitioners are intended to create conditions for learning and growth and support people to get in contact, and stay in contact, with ‘what is,’ not what should be. This deceptively simple proposition is at the core of all Gestalt practice…”
The key phrase in this description, for me, is “not what should be.” How often do we as humans yearn to be somewhere else, to be somehow different? We can become fixated on trying to root out the aspects of ourselves that we don’t like, which can overshadow our ability to see and appreciate the fact that the unwanted behaviors or thought patterns have served us in some way.
When working with clients, I’ve noticed that beginning to own the effectiveness of the unwanted provides clients with an inner “boost.” They are excited by the new awareness. They often express a sense of relief, and a new self-acceptance emerges.
I have found the Gestalt approaches of working with Polarities and the Paradoxical Theory of Change to be so valuable in my coaching practice, allowing insights to emerge for my clients and re-energizing them on their journey to change.
Reference
Peter Bluckert. Gestalt Coaching: Distinctive Features. Routledge. New York, NY. 2021.
