Relational Intelligence

During Covid lockdown, Melanie Nevis and I founded a Book Club. It was my first and favourite Book Club. Here's what I loved about it. There were only two members. Me and Melanie.
We sent each other homework, for example to read a chapter before our next meeting.
One of us regularly failed to do our homework or forgot what we had read. And it never mattered.
What mattered most was that we took care of each other during a difficult time.

The hardest part of coaching teams is remembering that it doesn’t have to be hard. I’m not responsible for fixing, saving, making sure they do something they’ve never done before, or having the epiphany that unlocks all confusions. No cape needed. No magic elixir. Not even a gentle prod to corral them back to their agreed upon agenda. More difficult and easier than all of that is the relaxed attention that allows me to see them as they are. Four principles guide my work: seeing systems, stating what is so, appreciation, and the paradoxical theory of change. Seeing Systems First, they are a system. The group works as it does because of what all the parts are doing in relationship with each other. Rather than blaming the leader for the dysfunction of the group or seeing someone as the recalcitrant obstacle to the group’s effectiveness, I can soften my gaze and see them as working in concert to create the dynamic I am witnessing. They are a whole. Each contributes to the way the team works. If one is chronically late or misses deadlines, the others allow it or make excuses. If two are in regular conflict, the remainder willingly, perhaps unwittingly, act in relief or superiority that they are not the ones in conflict, even if they quietly take a side. A system has no sides. Rather it is a vibrant expression of its parts in motion. Just as I cannot enjoy the car’s accelerator without also appreciating the brake, it makes no sense to prefer only part of a team. Not easy, but so useful, to remember that each person is contributing to the whole. And that the entire team is what I am supporting. The language of wholes helps me – the team is…, together the group does…. I also find metaphor useful, as in, I see this group as a rocket working hard to escape the gravitational pull of the old habits towards a new way of working. Or simple descriptors for the group, e.g., polite, measured, lively, loud, focused on productivity, etc. Stating What Is So . If this seems too simple, I come to my second love and helper, phenomenology. Oh, the big words! It just means seeing what is right here. Naming what is in front of me, what I witness the group doing and sometimes the experience I have of the group. When I tell a group that I experience them as polite or fast paced I am inviting them into a reflection of whether that is true for them, whether they like it, when and how it serves their purpose. They may not identify with the term at all and instead claim something more to their liking – they see themselves as methodical or considerate or efficient. All good. They reflect on an aspect of their experience and then can choose whether they want to keep it or change it, by a little or a lot. Appreciation My next helper, the power of appreciation, is an essential partner, especially to naming what I see. Most groups in coaching are both vulnerable and defensive. They have asked me in because they believe something is not working, yet they are effective to the extent they are. How dare an interloper hurl judgment without the benefit of having walked with them? Seeing their behaviors as adaptive habits that allow them to act on their priorities is essential. I have seen repeatedly how teams are happy to be recognized for what they know is their excellence. Their defensiveness drops a little. They look at each other sometimes with sheepish pride. Yes, we do that, don’t we? Or with relish, That’s right, we’re good at it. To be seen for what is not common across teams feels good. Sometimes, they blow by it, yeah, but what about what we don’t do so well? Which is an opportunity to linger until the noticing sinks in and they can own the utility of their habit. The Paradoxical Theory of Change This brings me to the magic of this approach, the paradoxical theory of change. People and groups don’t change by trying to be other than they are but by acknowledging and fully accepting what they are already doing and being. Rather than push away the politeness or the speed or the brusqueness or disorder or ruthless efficiency or any other habit of work that has its limits, teams can explore how they already are, how it serves them, what choices they’ve made and why. They will come to know viscerally and collectively, that any way of working or being has utility and limits. With appreciation for what works they are no longer fighting themselves. Instead, they can then choose an option that expands their practice repertoire rather than self-flagellation for how they are inadequate. The shift in attitudinal orientation means they change from working against themselves to expanding into a natural next. Ease matters. All of this is remarkably simple but not easy. As a coach and facilitator, I remind myself that I am not there to fix, to make them or me different from what we already are. Rather, through appreciating them as a system already doing easily recognizable and effective actions, they take that perspective on themselves and more readily open to additional ways of working.

Eric (not his real name) engaged me as a coach because he was struggling with self-doubt, fueled by self-criticism. In his 40s, he was watching work colleagues with less experience expressing themselves with confidence, while he felt self-conscious when sharing his ideas or kept mute. He felt he “didn’t deserve a seat at the table.” In one of our first sessions, he shared an experience from the prior weekend, when a group of friends and their partners gathered at his home. He described one guest as “boastful and annoying,” but respected the man’s ability to state his opinions boldly. From my perspective, Eric was not typical of my clients in terms of industry or gender. Most of my clients are women physicians struggling with job burnout. But I trusted that my training as a Gestalt coach at GISC gave me the skills and competence to coach clients outside my usual niche effectively.

Dear Friends, Thank you for your ongoing support of GISC and for being an essential part of our global learning community. Each year, I’m reminded that GISC thrives because of the people who believe in our mission and commit themselves to creating a better world. Those who know GISC know what powerful catalysts self-awareness, personal growth, and embodying a Gestalt approach can be for creating positive change. This past year, we settled into our downtown Boston offices at the Nonprofit Center—a building dedicated to nonprofit advancement and social change. It is a fitting home for GISC, reflecting the values, vibrancy, and connection essential to our own mission:

An Interview with GISC's Co-Directors of Leadership Development

This fall, GISC’s renowned Cape Cod Training Program (CCTP) returns to Europe, bringing its powerful learning model to London. Here, faculty members Joe Melnick and Lucy Ball reflect on what makes the Cape Cod Model so impactful and the program so enduring after more than four decades of practice.

 Dear GISC Faculty, Staff, and Members, I am deeply honored to have been asked to lead the GISC Board as the new Chair. GISC is an organization that has profoundly shaped my personal and professional growth, and I know it has done the same for many of you. I am filled with energy and optimism about the future of GISC. We have an incredible opportunity ahead of us to evolve our programs, broaden our reach, and foster a more diverse and inclusive environment for both faculty and participants. As we move forward, we must also recognize the unique position GISC holds in today’s world. At a time when humanity and community face unprecedented challenges, we have the opportunity to stand as a beacon of hope and resilience. Our values of connection, empathy, and seeking common ground are more important than ever. By bringing our unique approach to communities and organizations dedicated to social justice and leadership, we can make a significant impact. The board has the responsibility of supporting CEO Laurie Fitzpatrick in achieving ambitious goals aligned with GISC’s mission. We must also work to enhance GISC’s presence, attract partners and resources to ensure sustainability and growth, and uphold the highest standards of legal, ethical, and financial integrity. I am excited to embark on this journey alongside the board, Laurie, staff, and faculty and look forward to what we will accomplish together. Warm regards, Rod -- Roderick Allen Chair, GISC Board of Directors Principal, Cipher Consultants (917)455-8994 LinkedIn - www.linkedin.com/in/roderick-allen/

Dear Friends, Thank you for your ongoing support of GISC and for being such a vital part of our global learning community. Together, we’ve continued to build on the transformative work that has defined GISC for decades. I’m excited to share some highlights of the past year and invite you to join us in shaping our next chapter. After more than 20 years in Wellfleet, we’ve embraced a new home in downtown Boston. Our new offices are located in a vibrant building dedicated to nonprofit advancement and social change, a perfect reflection of GISC’s mission to foster meaningful growth in the individuals and organizations we serve. While we will always cherish our Cape Cod roots, this move enhances our ability to connect with a broader community and expand our impact in new and exciting ways. GISC remains the place that brings diverse individuals together, in community, over time, for deep transformative learning. These shared experiences enable participants to multiply their impact for larger systems change. This year, our mission came to life with participants from 25 countries across all continents joining our online and in-person programs—an increase from prior years and a powerful testament to the global relevance of our work. In November, our faculty gathered for a three-day retreat, which deepened our sense of connection and reaffirmed GISC’s dedication to diversity, equity, inclusion, and belonging. This retreat will allow us to better foster a sense of belonging in our programs, continue to develop our theory, and align our Gestalt approach with the principles of inclusivity and shared growth. We’ve expanded our program offerings to include new open-enrollment and customized trainings for organizations, addressing critical topics such as psychological safety and inclusive leadership. And we continue to develop new programs to meet the needs of today’s leaders and professionals. In 2024, we launched a free monthly series for psychotherapists, Conversations with Clinicians: Life and Practice through a Gestalt Lens, enriching our commitment to the therapeutic community. Board member Shanaaz Majiet from Cape Town, South Africa, captured the heart of GISC’s work when she shared, “I believe our GISC mission has new relevance in an era of relationships for a better world.” Indeed, the relationships we cultivate and the communities we build are at the heart of everything we do—and it is your passion, support, and dedication that make it all possible.

When most coaches and clients think about coaching work, they see it as void of racism, sexism, sexual orientation, ableism, bias and intersectionality to name only a few experiences. They may also ignore the presence of these lifelong experiences in a coachee or themselves. As John Leary-Joyce the author of The Fertile Void: Gestalt Coaching at Work, states,